5 months
5 months is all it can take for an attention to be completely shifted from the past to the present, a mind to be completely blown and a heart to be completely torn, again. Taking a leap but falling harder than imagined comes as a surprise yet at the same time a disappointment. Some say risk is something one must take in order to achieve greatness. What happens when that risk does the complete opposite? Because learning to trust again is so important that when it miserably fails, it's over.
At first it's a high. Call it the honey moon stage if you wish. Everything is so new and the chemistry is there. Being swept off your feet with words and actions is not hard having come from a place where being appreciated wasn't the norm. Feeling acknowledged is all of a sudden a new sensation that is much enjoyed. Feelings begin to develop and it seems right. It is as if there is finally an understanding as to why certain things didn't work out in the past. The mind begins to feel sane again and the heart begins to feel content. But things are often short lived.
Holding on to something that is believed to be great can be hurtful. Things begin to fizzle out with the occasional spark, which can lead to believe there is still something there. Things are said and and an image of trust and kindness are ingrained in the mind, but the lack of actions overrides it all. Slowly realizing why it's so hard to trust again can be a complete setback. Fault begins to take over the mind, anxiety over the body and depression over the soul. Questioning everything is normal and overthinking becomes a part of the daily routine which tends to be tiring. Trying to cope with the fact that it wasn't meant to be becomes hard, especially when that voice is there with sweet talk. Acknowledging that strength doesn't come easy is a defeat and having to seek help makes the feeling of being sane, that was being regained, slowly fade.
Putting in more effort than normal is not enough when there is no spark, and once realized it tends to be a weight that is carried around daily. Hope still remains although it is apparent it didn't work out. Dreams become vivid and there is no such thing as rest anymore, making sleep something to fear. The darkness and quiet become an open door to unpleasant thoughts that can be avoided during the day when the mind is occupied. Even then, memories will still come to mind, often at inconvenient times and breakdowns will be inevitable. Faking composure will become something that will be dominated. Smiling, when feeling a drowning sensation, will become easier with time. Waves of confidence will also come. When they do, take advantage as they soon fade away. There will be times where there will be plenty of convincing that will take place. Convincing that there is something out there much better and more deserving, but when the heart brings up feelings, it will all be blocked out. As time passes and depression really settles in, sleep will no longer be an enemy. It's something the body will crave to escape reality. Sadly, the cause of this pain is also the only place comfort can, and will, be felt. So be careful. Instant gratification isn't always the best.
There is no going back. In the end it will be noted that moving on is a must and being saved from that dark place that once existed was only temporary. Now it will be a constant struggle to escape that place when there is no trust, love or hope left.
